I have become nothing
Like a drop of rain
My mind has disappeared
For I have become my Beloved
Sunya, Sunya, Sunya
From my head to the ground
I have become you
Nothing remains only your desire
For I have become my Beloved
Sunya, Sunya, Sunya
This short poem was written in 2001 when once upon a time, I played guitar and wrote my own music. I understood that Sunya meant something related to “nothingness’, bliss and freedom from the world with a quiet mind gained through deep meditation practice yet, I had no idea of the depth of its meaning, until recently.
An extensive database of my original music rests in a small box filled with lyrics that speak of a spiritual path, unfettered by romance or complicated life experiences. Rather, the music speaks of a joyful space, fairies and flowers, Truth, the blossom of a soul, nature, family of Light, Krishnaloka and so on….. and what it feels like to become nothing, alone and deeply satisfied.
Not until a couple of years later, when I attempted to record my collection of songs did I realize that I had not written one single love song. I knew the marketability of what I had created was almost nil. So, I pushed myself to compose an assortment of romantic lyrics and turned some of my spiritual musings into romantic, love poems. It was an interesting experience to go from fully complete in myself to the voice of a heart longing for union with another human. I shall never forget how odd that time period felt shifting from one space into another in order to make my creativity marketable and fit into mainstream psychology.
I shall never forget nothingness tugging at my being.
One day, while traveling down a country road on my way to nowhere yet divinely guided, I drove with tears streaming down my cheeks, as I felt the pain letting go of all that I held dear and loved. I pulled over my car, parked at the side of the road and began to run through the forest as fast as I could. Tearing off my clothing while I ran, attempting to fall deeper into this space of “nothingness”, I didn’t know what else to do in this dramatic, overwhelming moment of intensity beckoning my soul further.
Finally, landing at the edge of a stream, I saw a large boulder in the center, which was flat enough to lay my body down for a rest and a good cry. As I laid down, peering into the water where the stream bubbled and foamed between the rocks, I softly cried out, “What more do you want from me?”
The voice spoke back, “Still, you must empty and become nothing”
My tears flowed as I realized that there was more to empty.
For a while longer, I laid across the boulder in the middle of the stream, drinking in the rays of the sun while I contemplated the last of my possessions. Somehow, hearing the voice and with some kind of direction imparted to me, I relaxed and fell into a quiet moment of rest. Once I had calmed and taken a short nap, I was ready to get back up and head towards the car, which was quite a distance from the stream. Slowly, I made my way, picking up each piece of clothing I had torn off my body and tossed aside as I had ran towards the river. As I walked back up the hill, I dressed myself and pondered my next destination and the mission at hand.
“Nothing” is what I had to become.
Resolved with a sense of understanding, I decided to make my way towards my favorite community situated at the top of a mountain. They were worthy of the few things that I had left in my possession: a computer, a few books, alchemical products such as essential oils, salts, herbs and so on, gorgeous assortment of crystals and gemstones and beautiful seashells. Including some fancy pieces of clothing that I would wear when conducting rituals.
When I landed at the community, I made my announcement, emptied my car and laid all the items out for everyone to take what they wanted. After emptying my vehicle, I arranged to camp in an isolated place higher up the mountain for a few days. While in solitude, I drank in the intensity of not having anything in my possession. It felt amazing to be completely empty and without the heaviness of belongings or memories.
Once I had completed my short stay at the top of the mountain, I came back down to say goodbye to my friends and to continue my travel to whatever destination would be imparted to me by my guardian angel.
“Wait, wait”, Elani called out, “You need these things, Kashi, to do your work. You must take back these things that assist you in doing what you do and support your journey”.
She was right. I had even given away my tools for creating the things that supported my ability to continue moving down the road. After all, this was not India where people are generous to sadhus on a spiritual journey and support their seeking process. No, this was America where people consider a wandering mystic a bizarre anomaly. I conceded and took back most of my things, placed them in my car and said goodbye.
With that exchange, I felt satisfied and complete, full and yet, a state of nothing inside. Something had shifted inside my being allowing for a greater contentment to fill my soul and lift me to the next level of my awareness.
For a few years I remained in a space of limited possessions and available to cosmic direction, leading me from one magical moment into another. Truly, it was blissful.
One of the themes in the Hindu mythology is that whenever a sage is nearing the completion of austerities, spiritual practice and meditation, the gods send Kama-deva to
tempt the sage and distract them from samadhi.
This is the fear of the gods that the sage who attains can be taken down.
Back into the world
Delusion came through the experience of romance as a test and wiped away all my bliss, kundalini risings full of shakti and the exquisite calm space of samadhi. Gone was my ecstasy and my cosmic connection as I fell into the grips of passion and desire.
A powerful, beautiful man came into my life and soon, I lost my stability and grounding in my spiritual practice. With the passing of the initial swoon, my life changed dramatically moving from deep delusion to painful ups and downs that romance and life in the program bring. And yes, it was truly a demon that entangled me and distracted me from my path.
When two enter into intimacy, a bubble of love surrounds their auras, merging into one aura that transcends time and space, no matter what. I have watched the change in the mechanics of consciousness take place inside of my own being. It’s not fun, it’s not thrilling and its rather depressing when you realize what you have just lost in exchange.
It takes a long time and much purification to crack and break through the shell that is created through this merging of auras.
Suddenly, something powerful is shut off completely while romantic love takes its place. There are no exceptions to this process of spiritual mechanics – you can’t have both. This is also one way to realize if someone is a true, spiritual teacher. Even if one has a primary partner and they are practicing celibacy, just being in one person’s aura continuously, as a main companion, merges the auras. One must drink in the ecstasy of true aloneness to realize pure consciousness.
Anyone who thinks that they can out-whit this cosmic, universal law or circumvent the seduction of a demon is an idiot and does not understand how entities operate on the subtle planes nor do they fully grasp the mechanics of consciousness.
Every human is tested from time to time. This testing is built into the program and designed to teach humans a deeper truth, an awakening to the process of merging spirit with matter. You can read a persons astrological story and see where these tests are being presented as one is given a choice to spiral up in conscious awareness or enter into spiritual atrophy as they submit to the game inside the matrix and remain the puppet of lower forces.
Twenty years later, this extraordinary space of emptiness has cycled back into my reality again. Everything attached to the glamour of the world, including romance, has been discarded and now, grace has led me into the space of liberation, once again. This time, I am completely aware of what is going on, thanks to many years spent in the study of astrology, esoteric explorations and eastern, Hindu spiritual teachings.
Since 2016, I have been diligently working to rid myself of all my belongings from my library to favorite furniture to my favorite teapot and even the china that once graced my table. Amazing how I was able to gather so much stuff and fill my cupboards and closets with an overwhelming abundance of belongings – again.
It is interesting to observe this process of letting go of things, memoirs attached to those who have died or those who are no longer near me. And the possibilities that run through my mind, just in case I want to use something in the future or want to remember and cherish the memories attached. 2019 is almost over and still, I am sorting and ridding myself of the last of my belongings, diligently working towards the state of “nothingness” again. Im constantly amazed at how much “stuff” I have that has zero value, really, and how long this process is taking me. Even more interesting is to witness there is no remorse when the objects are gone; they are easily forgotten and on a subtle level, it suddenly feels very light each time something is given away.
“One should develop a liking for a residence in a secluded place with a calm and quiet atmosphere favorable for spiritual culture….”
~ Bhagavad Gita, 13.8-12
To further encourage assisting with this process, this past year, I enrolled in an ashram community as a way to go deeper into my sadhana and become less attached to “stuff”. This is one of the objectives of a spiritual community. Yet, the ashram didn’t work either as they continuously purchased more “stuff”, ate more food than I have ever experienced and exhibited tremendous personality challenges and ego issues, too. It didn’t help my process of becoming nothing, at all. After almost a year of attempting to fulfill my spiritual longing in this social environment, I returned to the forest where I could work in peace and quietness, slowly, effectively and uninterrupted while attempting to settle into nothingness.
Truly, I want to be empty and free of so much needless stuff taking up space in my life and demanding that I provide a house for its content. Ridiculous, really. Storage complexes and containers are really, really bizarre in this context.
Recalling a story that my Guru recently shared about his own guru: During his teachers last days, he tended to this old man who was slowly withering away from life. In his possession was only one item: a drinking cup.
This is the image that I hold as my goal.
The song above, Sunya, that I wrote in 2001 has been playing in mind over and over as I continue this process, again sorting and ridding myself of possessions and attempting to get down to just one cup.
Sunya translates as meaning “zero, nothing, empty and void”. It is the true state of nothingness.
In the process of integration as taught in the science of yoga, Sunya is the state of samadhi where one is liberated from ego, desires and attachments, belongings, people, romance, as well as the drive to succeed in an unnatural world. According to the Shiva Samhita, the sacred scriptures depicting the discourse between Shiva and Parvati, as one contemplates on this space of Sunya, this special place of emptiness, naturally, it leads one towards enlightenment.
Again, I work to empty, empty, empty, rid myself of attachments, clear my karma and become nothing so that somehow I can be filled with something so much more, more lighter, freer, blissful and divine; golden and sublime.
What an amazing experience to sift, sort and empty the weight of glamour, worldly possessions and attachment to memories that only exist in the mind as I do whatever I can to become nothing.